Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize