Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize