wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
