I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
