I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
