I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
