He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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