We're facebook friends in real life
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I won the penis lottery.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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