At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Randomize
