We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
