...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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