Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
