Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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