Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
