Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
