Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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