This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
