yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
