that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
