i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
