So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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