I think I died a long time ago.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
