Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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