i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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