Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
