o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
