Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize