There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
