we were pretty classy up until the second keg
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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