I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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