I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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