I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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