Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
