They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize