got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
