You can't motorboat a personality
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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