What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
