I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
