My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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