our cab driver is having phone sex.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
