remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
