the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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