he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
