I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
