I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
