I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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