Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
