What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Boobs speak an international language.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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