I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
