hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
