Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
