it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
