I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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