fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
