last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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