Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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